Dear Fan Fiction Writers - Yu-Gi-Oh! Edition
by spoonerdog123
Summary: One little writer got very drunk on sugar, and so a terrible (albeit correctly grammarized) idea was born. Looks like the characters of Yu-Gi-Oh - be they major or minor - have been writing letters to the fandom, rants about how they feel that they should be characterized. Or... something like that, anyway.
1. Yami Bakura

**Disclaimer: **Don't own YGO, but I do own this pathetic mess of a fic.

**Warnings: **None - please don't take the thing seriously, though.

...And then some of you did.

Okay, I'll try again: This is meant to be a goofy sort of way of pointing out some of the major canon breaks, nothing more. However, because characters are meant to be IC, they may sound harsh at times. For instance, some of them might attack or sneer at popular shippings _- __many of which I ship myself. _The point with those areas is not to bash a ship into next week, but just to point out some things some writers tend to miss with them. Puppyshipping, for instance, is a much more fun ship for me to read when Kaiba and Jou start out as canon personalities, which means that they loathe each other; then the writer must try to find some way of getting them to like each other.

* * *

Dear Fan Fiction Writers,

I hope you realize that the vast majority of things you have had your impostors attempt under my name are utterly unreasonable, even by my standards. I am _Yami _Bakura - Dark Bakura - and I hold to that name. I am pure darkness; I am the night, the shadowy thing under the bed that will leap out and eat you all up. I am a magnificent bastard, king of the deepest abyss, and woe to all who get in my way!

Here is a short list for you idiots of what I am definitely _not:_

- Female.

- A kitty.

- The Pharaoh's best buddy.

- Ryou Bakura's lover, secret or otherwise.

- Friendly.

- A drug addict.

- Kaiba's lover, secret or otherwise.

- A hybrid, a superhero, or a cupcake.

- Depressed/suicidal.

- Impatient or 'tsundere'.

- Marik Ishtar's lover, full stop.

- A short - tempered scrooge.

- _Cute_, regardless of how many bows you put in my host's hair.

Now, you _may _have noticed that several of the above items mentioned the word 'lover'. I would like to reiterate this: No matter what that annoying Little Person says, I am _not _in love, not with Yugi, not with my host, and least of all with that annoying Tomb Clan freak. I am far too busy for such trivialities; the only people I ever work with are people who have something useful. As soon as I have either earned or stolen that something (and to clarify for you derps, that does _not _mean 'virginity'), I'll be on my way. Yes, I may be a sex god in your eyes, but I really couldn't care less about other people, much less remove my shirt for their benefit. Are we clear on this?

No? Boo-hoo, we're moving on! I want to point out that my host is given a weekly allowance from his parents, with which he is able to buy food, pay rent, and go to the amazingly dull experience you call 'school'. He has more than enough to live on - yes, I'm getting to the point - and so neither he nor I need to go into slavery; which I suppose in your terms means 'get a job'. Even if I _were _to begin working for someone else, I have my pride to consider - so there is absolutely no way that you would find me pole dancing. So, stop writing that I work in a strip club, because I have absolutely no bloody need to! And whilst we're on that topic: I, for the record, do _not _enjoy stripping; nor will I go out of my way to have others strip for me. And I certainly do not strip them for no apparent reason!

And another thing: Whilst I must grudgingly admit that some of you are very creative with your methods of having me kill people, and have certainly given me more than a few ideas, I would like to say that half the ways you are so fond of describing are utterly unreasonable. For instance, I would never strap someone to a nuclear weapon, because (a) every freaking police officer in a hundred-mile radius would be on my tail in minutes, and (b) I am over three thousand years old, and my understanding of your pathetic technology is as such very limited. I also refrain from whipping people; I had more than enough of that back when I looked much sexier and only wore a loincloth, and the screams are too loud; again, I would risk being detected. To be honest, I would rather sentence someone to the eternal torture and embarrassment of being sealed inside a toy than slice their throats with a knife - and come to think of it, don't you think that if I preferred killing people over sealing their souls, I would have butchered all of my host's little buddies a long while ago? My translated name is 'Dark Bakura', not 'Axe Murderer Bakura'!

And while we're on the subject of names - why don't any of you _use _mine? Honestly, you morons stun me sometimes with your pathetically low intelligence, but this one takes the proverbial cake! 'Bakura' is my host's name, not mine. Please, stop associating me with that weak-willed dweeb of a host (honestly, someone as great and powerful as I should have gotten a gaming prodigy, at the very least!) Yes, 'Yami Bakura' is a bit of a mouthful; but it's just _four extra letters_. That's not very much. And for the record, 'Joe' is not a good substitute for my glorious name; even if you decide that I am my host's twin brother (which I am obviously not).

And that brings me to another important point: I do not intend to, nor will I ever, harm my host for fun. I took a freaking lightning bolt from a _god _for him, for Ra's sake, and if that's not good enough for you then I don't know what is! I agree that he can be a little annoying on occasion, but he's pretty damn useful to me at the moment. Why I ever would want to hurt him (unless it was part of a deal that would get me further in my quest to eliminate the Pharaoh, of course), I have no idea. And besides - if I were to attack myself and, say, break the body's leg, then how the hell would I be able to look serious in a duel whilst on crutches with my leg in one of your silly plaster casts?

Yours utterly insincerely,

Yami Bakura, Lord of Darkness, King of the World, ad infintum.

* * *

**UAB (Unnecessary Author's Babble)**

Addressed here:

- Yami Bakura is usually more sadistic in fanfiction than what he actually is in (manga at least) canon...

- ...or he's put in totally ridiculous situations...

- ...or he's depressed enough to commit suicide. Any of these three are pretty much the norm in his OOCness.

- He's actually pretty smart, smart enough not to mass murder or something unless he thinks he can get away with it.

- So many people insist on calling him Bakura, including myself on occasion. I can see the convenience in doing it, but I can't really see him approving of being called that.

- Ryou-abuse fics are pretty notorious around here. It actually takes a ton of logic to get around the problems with them; not that it can't be done, just that you kind of have to think a lot to negotiate them.

If there's any DM character you'd like to hear from next (as always, no Millennium World characters or anime - only characters, please), or any rant topic in particular you'd like to hear about, just tell me about that in a review, hmm?


	2. Anzu Mazaki, aka Tea Gardener

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I am very sorry to say this, but from the looks of things, the number of you who could correctly tell me who the main-character's-_canon_-lover is happens to be one which I could count on the fingers of my left hand. I'm not sure if that is because of the marketing campaigns always showing Yami Yugi and Yugi together, or because of that Little Person making Marik and Yami Bakura an item or _what_, but so many of you are now writing fics where I either do not exist or am brutally murdered that it has now begun to disturb me. Did I accidentally say something wrong? Did I do something I shouldn't have?

If I did do something, I apologize. Just... please stop. After you people set that awful obsessive Seto Kaiba on me, I couldn't sleep for weeks. I know you're right, that he can watch me while I'm asleep if he puts cameras in my room. But whether I actually _like _that or not is a whole different thing altogether. If you're not going to listen to anything else of what I have to say, at least listen to me on this: I really appreciate that you would like someone to be watching over me, but I don't like being watched, especially not by an obsessive creep like Kaiba. Why else do you think I point everyone's eyes in the direction of Yami Yugi or Jounouchi when they're dueling?

Yes - you guys must really hate me, though I'm not entirely sure what I did to deserve it. I mean, you surely had your reasons when you had me fall overboard to be eaten by a giant squid, or when you made me kill myself every single time I didn't get my own way. I did read some of your 'Author's Notes' about why you made the latter happen, and... well, I'm really not as selfish as you all think I am - all I did was fall head over heels for the man who rescued me that first time, and I let him go in the end without telling him what I really thought. If I'd been really selfish, that wouldn't have happened, would it?

Also - I know it was really love at first sight for me when I was looking at him, but that _doesn't _mean that I hit on every guy I see. I might be a bit preppy in the way that I dress, I suppose, but I'm hardly stripper material.

Hope I didn't hurt your feelings or anything,

Anzu Mazaki

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here:

- Out of all the characters, she's far and away the most notorious for being bashed.

- The Seto Kaiba section is related to how some people 'pair the spares' - for instance, Yami/Yugi and Joey/Mai lends itself well to a Anzu/Kaiba sideship.

- The bashing often portrays her as very greedy - but she's actually not that selfish. She did let Yami go, after all.

- Because it was very much an impulse to fall for Yami Yugi, some writers like to have her falling for everyone. However, she clung to _one character _for the entirety of the series - she didn't join Ryou or Otogi/Duke's fanclub when they showed up, from memory.

- Ships are a very big reason for her being bashed, I'd say; though there are of course simpler reasons such as 'I just plain don't like her' or 'All those speeches get on my nerves'. On that note - it's fine to hate a character, y'all can like and dislike who you want; it's just that when a character is bashed, they often become OOC...


	3. Bandit Keith

To all you fan fiction writers,

Gimme a break already. I thought Yugi and his friendship squad were dumb enough, but you people make them look like geniuses by comparison. What you write is just - heck, can you even _read_ what you're writing? Have you bothered watching whatever show you're trying to write for? Because I've no clue what the hell you figured you were doing, but that didn't look anything like any show I've ever-

-wait, you guys were trying to write _Yu-Gi-Oh_ fanfics?

Seriously, are you kidding me?

That moron screaming 'IN AMERICA!' every three minutes was meant to be _me?_ That _thing_, who could barely pick up a card - let alone use a gun - because he was so drunk? And also, was _not _starring in his own series, existing for the express purpose of being defeated by nicey-piecy Yugi and friends?

...Get real.

Yeah, I'm American, and I bet more than half of you gits are as well. I don't see_ you_ having an unhealthy obsession with the Statue of Liberty, so what the hell makes you think I would? (**1**) Yes, I wear a bandanna; it has the American flag on it, get over yourself. Let's pretend for a moment that you are American (and if you are, congratulations). Now, question time: Do _you _drink copious amounts of alcohol 'because America'? Do _you _act like an utterly uncool tavern brawler 'because America'? Do _you _bawl out 'IN AMERICA!' in the middle of every conversation 'because America'?

No?

Good, then don't make me do it. 'America' is not an excuse.

Back on topic - yeah, I lost a game, gasp, shudder - but come _on_, I had that brat pinned before the match had even started; it was dumb luck that had me lose. One game ain't gonna take away my Card Professor title - I was the best of the goddamn best back then, and I'm still on top of my game. On that note; I don't know when exactly you all decided to turn me into a an alcohol-fueled clown, but it just isn't _me_, y'know? And I don't know when you all decided that I was apparently not allowed to have my own damn series, either - because, newsflash: I'm awesome enough to have one, plain and simple. Sheesh, what is it with you and writing stories about wimps?

Yeah, I'm a drinker, a liar, a gambler, a thief. Am I still awesome, a highly skilled duelist, not to mention extremely intelligent? Yep. Depressed, sure, you could probably get away with saying that - but hey, you didn't see me lining up to kiss Pegasus's shoes. I stuck to my guns right 'til the end; or didn't you see that bit? I don't even feel the need to be telling you all not to write me as a sissy; but I guess I'll have to say it anyway: Don't. And speaking of writing, have you ever checked that you're holding your pencil the right way up and not sucking on the wrong end - or, you know, just sucking in general? I may not be Shakespeare, but I know more than you, which is actually pretty sad.

Oh, but I'm sure writing is ever so hard - it has to be, seeing as you're so horrible at it - but I did suffer all through your whining in those 'AN' and 'Summary' sections, the bits you probably typed up in all of two seconds, the bits actually expect me to _care_ about. They make me laugh, and here's why:

- 'I can assume anything I like and call it canon, because I'm a special little snowflake' -_ Why haven't you assumed that you can fly, found a cliff, and jumped off it?_

- 'Sorry for this being so bad' - _Yeah, you must be so sorry for torturing me with your terrible excuse of a story, which even you knew was horrific. Why the hell did you put it up?_

- 'I suck at summaries' - _And you clearly suck at selling your fic._

- 'OC' - _Oh look, another character with ridiculously __unpronounceable_ name, not to mention a stupid hairstyle. Like there weren't enough of those already in this series. Yawn.

- 'OOCness' -_ Remind me again, why didn't you rename Jounouchi 'Bob' and Shadi 'Billy', then pretend that it's an original story? It's still going to suck either way._

- 'R&R', 'Review pleaaaase or Yami Bakura will kill you', 'REVIEWWWW' -_ Sorry, I don't associate with idiots, and even less with idiotic beggars._

- 'Yumi Bakara: 'Look I found Seto's panties' Sito Kiaba: 'Oh no give them back' *runs after him* YB: 'Nevarrrrr'*runs away*' -_ Me: 'Is this part of the story?' *Tries to understand what's going on, fails, and just flips you the bird instead*_

-'STOP FLAMING!'_ - STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE!_

And I'd say more, but I reckon your brain power has been stretched to its limit already - and even if it hasn't, well too bad, I've written enough. You guys should feel _lucky _I even bothered with you lot.

Bandit Keith

* * *

**Notes**

1. From the traffic graph, more than fifty percent of my readers appear to be American (for the record, I'm Australian), so this is likely to apply - and from what I've seen of the fandom, it does seem to be very American-dominated. Which makes sense, considering that the American dub is what really took off.

* * *

**UAB**

Keith is a pain to get right, especially when I'm not really using swears (Manga!Keith does so on a regular basis). Oh yeah - and guest reviews are from now on being replied to on whatever chapter the reviews were left on. Just sayin'.

Addressed here:

- IN AMERICAAAA- yeah, no. Of all the things LK encouraged, this is one of the ones that seriously got on my nerves when it broke into the fandom. Keith's apparently obsessed with America in far too many stories - many of which were, ironically enough, written by Americans. I get it if you're writing Abridged - fic, but please don't bring it into canon-fic; he really isn't like that in the manga.

- Keith's a pretty complex minor character, and in all honesty good fun to play with, yet few seem to really write much about him - and when they do, He seems to show up as a jock, America-obsessed, or someone so very depressed that they can't get back on their feet. Keith is none of those things.

- I know that usually I tend to keep characters ranting about their portrayals and don't go so much into rants over the writing itself, but Keith is definitely the type to start picking on the authors; and so he does just that here. Out of what ticked him off, I'd probably say that OC and OOC in a summary are good things as they warn your readers of in advance, and a _polite_ 'Please don't concrit or flame me' in the Author's Notes/Babble/whatever is good if you don't want people to concrit or flame you. The rest of them... the rest of them are definitely not good things to put in summaries and/or author's notes.

- Heads up: Rebecca is definitely in the cards at the moment; and probably Honda as well.


	4. Dino' Ryuuzaki, aka Rex Raptor

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Something must be seriously wrong with your heads! How could any of you write a story without including yours truly somewhere in it? I'm a world-class duelist, I'll have you know - I was the runner up in the Duelist Kingdom tournament, the champion of West Japan, and if any of you think that's not awesome then I'd like to see _you _try it. Heck, half the guys you're all so fond of have nothing on me - I mean, how many duels did that lousy white-haired prick win? Zero, that's how many! Face it, guys: I rule, he drools. You fangirls need to get your heads screwed on right and start writing about me more often - the one and only 'Dino' Ryuuzaki! (Some of you ladies may know me as Rex Raptor; I find it a good name to use in more intimate company).

You see, I have been looking - and there is a worrying absence of my illustrious presence as a main character in your fics. Only **94 **of them have been written, and I have to share with Haga in most. That's not _bad,_ but it's really not _good _when compared to the **4,662 **that the white-haired wimp garners. Honestly, all he ever does is stand around and cheer on Yugi! I don't see him with any trophies!

Clearly, this is a problem which needs to be corrected - please find attached with this letter numerous shirtless pictures of me for references in fanart, and a copy of my autobiography, along with a photo of my beloved Two-Headed King Rex, king of the dinos, awesome card in an awesome deck! And speaking of my deck, exactly _who _owned the Red Eyes Black Dragon first? Who made it such a badass card in the first place? Who really should be drawn with it, if anyone's going to be drawn with it? That's right: Me. That dragon is mine, it's my trademark, and someday I'll get it back!

And another thing: I honestly can't stand it when you people ship Haga and me - not so much because of what goes on, because most of you just keep it to best-friends-forever sort of stuff - but because of the _name_. Shows how little you guys really know about us when you call the partnership between two of the best duelists ever '_Shrimp_shipping'. Come now, it should be 'Epicshipping', at the very least.

In conclusion, Haga and I - we're the best of the best, understand? Of course, I'm a little bester than he is, but don't tell him that. Either way, we - or me, at least - totally deserve to be worshiped. We worked to get what we had, we didn't cheat with any of that 'Heart of the Cards' baloney or ridiculous amounts of money. We're really the champions of the whole bloody show (or the whole bloody comic, if you prefer), so deal with it and start kowtowing.

Yours rudely,

'Dino' Ryuuzaki, Best Duelist Ever.

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here:

- Very, very few write about the minor characters, despite them having quite interesting personalities and/or real merit to them. (This, of course, makes their rants a total pain to write.)

- Red-Eyes was Ryuuzaki's before it was Jou's, and a lot of people forget that.

- Odd little question here - why exactly _is_ it called Shrimpshipping? I don't think they ever got that insult, and they're still taller than Yugi and Mokuba. Ho hum.


	5. Duel Monsters

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

My words are few; they number only three. But a great deal of thought went into those words, so much so that I think you all need to know where they came from, why I bothered to write them down and bring them to your attention. As one of the few literate Duel Monsters capable of holding a pencil, I was put in charge of writing this letter and finding the best words to say to you; but I do feel the need to acknowledge my colleagues who helped me find those words. Every last one of them had a story about you people, something they wanted to put down on paper.

And so, I am writing this on behalf of the Dark Magician Girl, who would like to tell all of you that _anyone _deciding to abuse or capitalize upon the whole short skirt thing will be treated to a swift kick to the face, supported by a steel-capped boot. As one who has a rather curious nature, I can definitely attest to that kick.

I am writing this on behalf of the Blue-Eyes White Dragon (of which there may be only three), who wishes to inform you that it has had no liasons of _any _sort with its master, especially not of the sort you are so very fond of describing. That there are no fire-breathing Toddler Kaibas existent in this world is testimony to this, apparently.

I am writing this on behalf of the Red-Eyes Black Dragon, who wants to point out that whilst it wishes it were real enough to incinerate your feeble bodies until nothing remained, it is naught but a computer-generated image in this world, and so cannot fulfill this desire. Woe to all who enter the Duel Monster World via a Shadow Game!

I am writing this on behalf of the Winged Dragon of Ra, who has told me repeatedly that there are no God Cards aside from the Egyptian Gods; there were three which Pegasus made up, but they _do not tie into the Egyptian mythos. _Which basically means that your precious OC can't go running around with a bunch of God-Card-Equivalents. And _especially _not if they're more powerful than the God Cards.

I am writing this of behalf of the Battle Ox, who would like to say that you all need to read the rulebooks, or at least pay some sort of attention to the dueling scenes if you are to write them. The number of times he has lopped off a head in some sort of heroically rulebreaking number is really too many to count.

I am writing this on behalf of the Kuriboh, whose gripes are many and woes endless, and who would very much like you all to please stop with the Multiply and the Hair Jokes. They aren't very funny anymore, and now that poorly designed scribble has taken to sobbing in a corner, only emerging to hurl death threats in your general direction.

I am writing this on behalf of the Catapult Turtle, who is to this day baffled that none of you understand its effect; and _no, he isn't suicidal! _Your logic, it says, is overly flawed; I would write the amazing argument it gave, only my memory is sadly not as incredible as its intelligence.

I am writing this on behalf of the Change of Heart, who absolutely hates being called a Duel Monster when it is a Spell Card, and who _definitely _doesn't like being turned into a white-haired pretty boy. Enough is enough, and that episode was only one episode, and didn't happen in the canon. I do not believe that I have suffered the disgraces that she has, but I have still suffered one or two.

I am writing this on behalf of Slifer the Sky Dragon, who is _not _an Executive Producer, never has been, and never will be. It would also like to say that if it sees one more ridiculous OC attempting to master its heavenly powers, lighting will strike that person many more times than twice._  
_

Lastly, I am writing this on behalf of the Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon, who wishes that you would all just stop getting it mixed up with the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. And it is not stupid, either; it is a highly dangerous creature that just _happens _to look harmless. The same, it claims, goes for every last cute or goofy-looking character, Duel Monster or human or animal: It's always the cute ones that will get you in the back.

There are many other Duel Monsters, of course; large and small, significant and insignificant, godly and powerless. All shared their stories with me, and eventually I found three words to put all their complaints and gripes to.

Now, Fanfiction Writers, the moment has come! Allow me, the Mage of Mages, the Dark Magician, to address you thusly:

Get a life.

Signed,

The Dark Magician, and all the Duel Monsters.


	6. Katsuya Jounouchi, aka Joey Wheeler

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

We need to talk.

Seriously, we need to talk. A _lot._ You guys... I appreciate my fanbase, sure, but there's times when you people make me wish that I had as many fics as Tetsuo does. Which is, by the way, nil.

For the record, I am not half the moron you people seem to enjoy making me out as. I am intelligent enough to kick butt in a game of strategy and wits, and if you think that a total vegetable could master it than I'd like to see _you _try. I won games when the odds were totally against me, and even if it was just lucky I drew the right card sometimes, you've still gotta admit that I at least survived long enough against tough opponents to make a comeback.

But nooooo, apparently I'm an autistic dog-person. And if I'm not that, I'm a druggie, I've been raped, I'm a total coward - always someone who is pretty much non-badass, and someone who has some sort of obsession with dogs. Thank you, fandom.

Look. For starters, I would like to point out that I, Katsuya Jounouchi, am a hardened street kid. I know various forms of martial arts, and I'm _brave_, brave enough to fight a guy with a knife clenched between my teeth! I know the whole yo-yo plot was a bit lame, but I still showed those morons who was boss - with my fists, no less. If anyone tried to rape me, I think they'd have a much harder fight on their hands than what you guys like to show.

And as for the whole dog thing, that happened once in a dream I'm pretty sure was caused by eating the wrong sort of mushroom when Honda wasn't looking, and once because of this really dumb bet with Otogi. Kaiba didn't even have anything to _do _with it that time! And speaking of Kaiba, I'm not his freaking slave; whatever gave you that idea? Just because he'd have to have me chained down at all times doesn't mean that you people should still do that anyway and call it bondage, you know.

Honestly, I could rattle on and on about my relationship with 'dear liddle Draggy-waggy' or 'my lovely dragon'(as some of you have me call that arrogant prick, Kaiba), but I have something much more pressing that I need to tell you. Something far more important than the dismissal of Puppyshipping.

I.

Am.

_Straight._

And if you need any more reason to stop pairing me up with all those guys - Yugi, Kaiba, Honda, Marik, Otogi, anyone - I have attached a picture of my videotape collection. The titles speak for themselves, I believe.

Signed,

Katsuya Jounouchi, aka Domino's No. 2 Duelist, aka Joey Wheeler, aka _Awesome_.

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here:

- He's much tougher than some make him out to be, and also a good deal more intelligent (this is perhaps made somewhat more clear in the manga, but the anime did have him pulling out some pretty nice strategies in between his goofy moments).

- Jounouchi isn't submissive, at all. Weak against someone stronger, perhaps, but he definitely won't just lie down and give up.

- He isn't depressed - if anything, he's an optimist.

- He's a pervert in the manga, through and through.


	7. Mai Kujaku, aka Mai Valentine

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Many of you take advantage of part of my monster's name - namely, 'Harpy' - and so decide that I am an ugly, crazy, unintelligent prostitute.

This is about as insulting as me taking advantage of one of your genre names - namely, 'Crackfic' - and thusly deciding that all of you are drug addicts. And, having read some of your pieces, let me tell you this: That is _very _tempting.

Going straight to the point, because I'm fairly sure that you have the base IQ of a cephalopod, and that's being lenient: 'Ugly, crazy, unintelligent prostitute'? I'll have you know that I am none of those things! The only time I would ever use my _inherently amazing _body (take note of the italics) to get something I want would be against a lesser duelist. Such tactics work perfectly against an idiot - like Ryuuzaki, who I was able to win a very comfortable cabin on a boat from during Duelist Kingdom - but I would never even _bother_ to waste time trying to distract someone as obsessed with the game as Yugi Moto. And I assure you, flaunting my assets is hardly 'crazy' - if my body is an advantage against the opponent, if it can get me what I want, then why _not _use it? Much like my aroma tactics - if it's not cheating, and it'll help me achieve my aim, I'll use it. Pretty_ intelligent_, don't you think?

And while we're debunking the 'ugly, crazy, unintelligent prostitute' myth: The unfortunate designs of my Harpies (you can blame that awful Pegasus for that!) certainly do _not_ indicate that I am a prostitute. I use them because their combo attacks are nearly unparalleled in the game, especially with Pegasus's rules about flying creatures - _not_ because I happen to have a secret inner desire to be whipped. The stunning effect they happen to have on men is an added bonus, trust me - I'm more than prepared to fight a female duelist! (**1**)

Even if we ignore the idea of 'shipping' me, some of you will still paint a most undignified picture - that of the weak-willed, overly generous, blond bimbo. There are so many issues with that that I would likely need to slaughter a small forest to write them all out, so allow me to educate you on the two big problems: One, I will aid people due to favours owed, a bet lost, or in the very rare case that I take pity on them. I do not apply the 'because we're friends' logic to _anything_. And two, blonde does not equal bimbo. If it does, then Yugi is one-third moron.

I have to say here, too, that I am not a helpless romantic. I do _not _fall head over heels for anyone, love at first sight doesn't happen for me - and even if it did, don't you think that I, a strong and hardened woman, would be more than likely to keep up an act of indifference? To clarify, I would never break down in tears before someone I happened to have a crush on. I'm not weak like that, and I don't damn my pride. So stop making me do it.

One last thing, something related to me being supposedly weak: Please bear in mind that if that weird Marik guy leaped out at me with his hair all fluffed out like a cat with a paw in a power socket, I would kick him right where it hurt. I mean it.

Signed,

Mai Kujaku, aka Mai Valentine.

P.S - I have heard that many of you don't like pairing up Pegasus with Yugi and his little friends - not because of the man's dreadful attitude, of _course_, but simply because of his age. I don't know whether you all flatter me, or whether you are just a little on the slow side, but have any of you realized that I am in fact the same age as Pegasus? If you absolutely _must _have me get married, I would recommend to stop pairing me up with those kids, and have me find someone closer to my age.

P.P.S - And for _Christ's _sake, don't make it Pegasus. I could do without someone obsessed with cartoon characters in my life.

* * *

**Notes:**

1. In the manga, she's never shown to - though given that she took out enough duelists to get a truly unholy number of starchips, it's likely that she did fight a female somewhere along the line. (Anzu vs Mai never happened in the manga, y'see).

* * *

**UAB**

Yes, both Mai and Pegasus are apparently twenty-four.

Addressed here:

- Being romantically inclined; the fact that she _uses_ her looks quite tactically is a tip-off to this one. Don't get me wrong, she can fall for someone, but she's a bit like Kaiba in the way she puts her agenda well ahead of other people. She's actually much harder to ship well than most make out.

- The semi-common bashing ties into the above - the usual method is to depict her as a worn-out, ugly prostitute who is far too old for Joey anyway (this happens when the pairing is Joey/anybody aside from her).

- Mai being made to appear kind, or openly friendly towards anyone. She sometimes gets written as being nicer than she is - when you think about it, everything she has ever done (in the manga) has been for a reason, such as a favour owed. She doesn't do anything 'because we're friends'.

- Mai X Yami Marik rape fics; or any sort of Mai-rape fic. If Anzu can thump people in canon (which she does), then Mai's likely to be even more able.

- Problems associated with her canon age - according to the author, she's twenty-four, while the majority of the main cast is sixteen. To put that in perspective, Pegasus is also twenty-four - and yet there's people who'll tell you that Yugi X Pegasus is creepy due to their ages, and yet Mai X Yugi is A-OK. Same goes for Mai X Joey.

Next up - I have Mokuba and Yugi in the works, but feel free to let me know if there's anyone else you'd like to see.


	8. Marik Ishtar

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Yes, it is I, the great and glorious Marik Ishtar - seriously, would you stop making me say that? I kind of liked it the first couple of times, until I realized that it was turning me into a laughing stock. My ego may be large enough to house an entire alter ego, sure, but I don't think _anyone's _ego could be large enough to force them into saying something so ridiculous as the above.

And speaking of ridiculous, have you looked in a mirror lately? I don't know what goes through your brains when you choose to start tapping away at that keyboard, but the way you guys like to write me is just plain awful. If I'm not a clown, I'm a total wreck, and if I'm neither of those, then I'm someone for every other male character to hit on. Guys. Guys. All of you.

Stop it.

...Well, I _was _going to end the letter right there, but I've just realized that you less intelligent ones may not understand what I mean when I speak of my representations here in fanfiction - the clown, the total wreck, and the someone for every other male character to hit on. I suppose if I elaborate on each of the aforementioned Things I Am Definitely Not, there will be a higher chance that you will refrain from writing me this way.

Firstly, the clown. I happen to be a highly intelligent individual, so intelligent that I was managing my very own criminal group at the humble age of ten. I drove my quarry into a corner, again and again - and let's be frank, the only reason that the Pharaoh escaped so many times was due entirely to the failure of my own servants. The Millennium Rod gave me the ability to control people, certainly; but do any of you realize how much willpower I had to put into keeping a single one under my control? Human wills are generally very strong things, and yet mine was stronger than most. And that's another thing about me - I engineer complex plans, and I persist with them until I get my way. I am also an excellent actor; I was able to foil Yugi and his friends into thinking that I was a friend, right until Yami Marik forced me to play my hand.

The point here is that I am not the sort of person to throw a huge party, during which I appear dressed as an enormous beer can. I am not a 'party animal', because I am also not an idiot. That Little Person seems to be very fond of turning me into an utter moron, and I have to wonder if this has influenced some of you - if so, I cannot say that I am impressed with him. For the record, I never have, and never will, use the term 'Foxy Boxes'.

Next, the total wreck. I know that the whole Yami Marik thing was horrible, you don't need to remind me of that every twenty seconds. It was a real exertion of will to force him back at the end there - but do you know what, I did it! Why you all think that I'd be foolish enough to kill myself, after _winning_ like that, is simply beyond me. Yes, I went through a lot; but I'm tough. If I wasn't tough, I would have died long before you set your keyboards on me. I am not the weak-willed pansy you clearly want me to be, is that understood? Honestly - I know that Yami Marik was stronger than me, but that does certainly _not _mean that I am not strong in my own right. If anything, the fact that he was more powerful at first is only an indication of just how mighty I can be when I have reason to - he was formed from _my_ hate, remember!

And lastly, the someone for every other male to hit on. Let me make this very clear: Just because I happen to wear a top that is (a very imperial) purple and just _happens_ to shows my midriff, and also wear a large amount of (culture-relevant) jewelry does not mean that I am either (a) a girl or (b) a female in male form, by which I mean homosexual. And the simple fact of the matter is that even if I and/or every other male in my general vicinity happened to be that way inclined, I would not - repeat, _not_ - simply lie down and allow them to do to me whatever the rating of your fic allows you to do. I would fight them, especially if they were toting a whip. So for Ra's sake, stop writing me as a snivelling coward who cries for mummy in the corner!

Yours truthfully,

Marik Ishtar

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here:

- Marik OOCs are hard to pin; it depends on the author. Outlined above are probably the most common types I have seen - the joker/idiot (the most common, possibly due to Abridged influence on the fandom), the extremely depressed (who will probably be dead before the end of the first chapter), and the overly submissive (usually seen in PWP yaoi pieces).

- OOC Marik has the ability to be even more submissive than a OOC Jounouchi on occasion, which just isn't right.

- He's definitely not an idiot - most don't realize that he was indeed running an entire criminal group at age ten, and his plans easily make him one of the most challenging opponents in all of Yu-Gi-Oh! DM.


	9. Maximillion J Pegasus

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Oh, it's _ever _so nice to see you paying little old me so much attention! Not that I'm exactly 'little' or 'old', of course, but it's just wonderful to see you girls and boys writing things about me! I feel like a comic book superstar, thanks to you – ooh, and I think some of you might even have made comics about me! Great job, I'm so impressed with your art skills – and it's lovely to see you all enjoying yourselves, of course! And appreciating the arts, too; _exactly_ what I like to see! As one artist to another, I really have to say that-

-if you don't stop writing me as a moron, you will find a whole new meaning to the term 'restraining order': I will personally make sure that you will never be able to move, ever again. And if anyone finds out, I'll hire the very best lawyers to say that you were a potential danger to the world in general, and I at least tried to stop you, but it was ever so sad…

What? Now I know that this isn't going to be broadcast, I think you will find I am getting rid of the ditzy persona. There is no reason for me to use it - I am not attempting to get you to either buy something or do what I want. In all honesty, I am sincerely glad that I can't see what exactly goes through your heads.

After analyzing what you all seem to think qualifies as literature - you all thought I was an idiot, didn't you? That would be _almost_ insulting, if it didn't happen to be your own silly fault that you thought it. Maybe my act was too good for you, but I honestly thought they showed the lot of you the other side of me - they _did _show that, didn't they? I shamelessly butchered a man in the depth of his depression; a depression which yours truly had caused some years earlier – quite deliberately, too. I blackmailed the wonderful Yugi Moto into coming to my island, by sealing away his grandfather. And I had such _fun_ with the Kaiba brothers – if I had had my way, they would have been separated forever; the end result of Seto dearest attempting to get that little bit closer to his brother. The whole thing was so ironic that I couldn't resist laughing about it in front of that ridiculous cheer–squad Yugi had dragged in.

Naturally, these are all things that a goofy moron would do. Not a hint of intelligence in me, eh? No way could I possibly be a strategic genius, a cunning cardmaster, a sadistic type who plays off what he sees in people's hearts. I clearly love children to creepy levels; not simply appreciate how malleable their plain little wills are. I love cartoons, because I'm a kid at heart; not because I just _love _to see the many ways in which Funny Bunny beats the living cheeseballs out of the latest villain.

Speaking of villains, I could hardly be one, hardly dangerous, hardly someone who fought his way to the top, only to lose it all. I couldn't possibly be a con artist, despite my being a highly charismatic CEO. Nope - I am clearly a fool, harmless as a fly, only without the disease factor (or maybe with the disease factor, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing) - and my, my, twenty-one really is old, isn't it?

The last two paragraphs were using a little literary device, by the way. It's called 'sarcasm'.

See, what I just described was the act which keeps me safe from the police; it isn't my true face, and heaven forbit that it were! I would hardly have been successful without my front, certainly, but I needed to back it all with the mind of a genius. Everything I have was _earned_, earned through my determination to succeed combining with my incredible intelligence, and my high work ethic - things my fun-and-games television personality never showed. Did you honestly not pause to wonder how a true idiot could possibly have become successful, did you ignore my constant hinting that I wasn't all goofy - or are you simply as stupid as I suspect?

And to finish, just as my persona would say: Come on now - surprise me! Surpass my expectations of you all, and use your brains for once! Anyone can write, so let's see you all get into it, give writing me another shot! I'm sure you'll do just wonderfully!

One more hint, too; a tip from this master: I'm selling special notebooks and pens, which I assure you, will aid your writing immeasurably. I have enclosed with this letter an addressed order form, for your convenience - normal packs are only $4.95, and jumbo packs with extra refills are $7.95. Get yours today!

Yours,

Maximillion J. Pegasus, President of Industrial Illusions (I2), aka Pegasus J. Crawford

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here is a topic close to my heart: Pegasus's personality. So many people mess it up, and Abridged _really_ didn't help there. The anime did make him more playful, I believe, but it's still no excuse for the abomination that I call 'Mister Fabulous'.

This letter is one of the ones I think kind of speaks for itself, but I'll try to put it in a nutshell: Pegasus, as a rule, acts when he needs to - if he's in front of a camera, for instance, you can trust that he'll be going announcer on everyone. The rest of the time, he's pretty much despicable; though those writers here who actually write Pegasus seem to ignore that bit, and instead focus on the personality that makes a pretty big splash of sorts, not the one hellbent on making money.

Heads up: Probably going to keep on working through the main cast, so- ooh, hello Honda! What have you been doing in the corner all this time?


	10. Mokuba Kaiba

**Extra Disclaimer No-one Will Ever Read: **I neither support nor bash any sort of shipping; any and all are possible in the hands of a good writer. What I don't like is when characters are made OOC to fit a shipping. Therefore, a character's opinion on a given ship may not necessarily reflect mine.

...Seriously, I've written a Marik X Yugi X Yami Bakura X Kaiba X Jounouchi fic where everyone was pretty much in character. It would be utterly ridiculous if I didn't believe the above.

**Back to your irregular sugar fix.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I've now learnt the hard way that money cannot solve all the world's problems.

Namely, it cannot solve _you_.

I swear, if I read one more freaking story about cutesy-wutesy Mokie-kun or my big brother being anything other than awesome, I'm gonna post a _bomb_ with my next letter. Or maybe a remote control chainsaw.

Then we'll see how well you all type without limbs.

So, assuming you people actually hold your health in some regard, I would strongly recommend you people to at least _try _and write me and Seto correctly. I know that you'll never be able to capture the awesomeness that is I, but I've got this all worked out. Because I'm not allowed to sue you just yet, I am merely providing you guys with some ground rules, and if any of you break them, you know what will be in my next letter. Have I made myself clear?

...Yes, this is blackmail. What, you think I haven't learnt _something _from being kidnapped?

1. I am not a cuddly-wuddly, fuzzy-wuzzy little ball of fluff, and I am not to be portrayed as such. I'm not sure exactly how you managed to miss my debut, but allow me to fill you in: I kidnapped Idiot Moto, and had him play a game with me. And I was stroking a knife the whole match, and threatening to cut off his fingers if he lost - and he _clearly_ would have lost, if he hadn't cheated. Stupid plot.

And also, I am not 'cute'. Someone who has poisoned people and threatened to knife other people is seriously not cute, get over my hair already.

2. And with regards to the whole 'cute' thing: I am KaibaCorp's number two guy. This means that whatever I want, I get, unless Seto steps in and says no, in which case no is no. Understand? I don't argue with him to get something, and I certainly don't give him puppy eyes while walking in a park because I want an icecream or a Capsule Monster. If I want a Capsule Monster, I'll just go right over to the vending machine, then buy the vending machine, and have my gang take that home. Same goes for the icecream; I'll buy the van. No argument. (**1**)

3. I am extraordinarily badass, and am to be painted as such; as the assistant CEO of Kaiba Corp, I am much more powerful than any of the other losers you seem to be so fond of. I take pride in this - I bow only to my big brother, who just happens to be the most amazing person alive. That means that I don't obey anyone except Seto. Okay, and maaaaybe the guys with the guns. But only if they're aimed at my head. You know how Industrial Illusions tried to take over Kaiba Corp? Well, I saved the day by swallowing the key right in front of them! And they had their safeties off, too!

...So stop writing me as a sissy.

4. As this letter should demonstrate, I am someone who will give a second chance to those who have slighted me. And here, I would like you morons to imagine me glaring at those in your midst who would have me behead my own brother, then dance a little jig over his corpse, delighted at the fact that I will now be able to marry my brother's rival's sister. Did you honestly think that that was in way, shape, or form _funny? _Or romantic? Because, newsflash: It wasn't either of those things, it was just plain stupid. And heck - even if you put a 'Horror' tag on it, it still doesn't count.

5. And about the brother's rival's sister thing: I follow in the footsteps of the Best Role Model Of All Time, also known as my brother. Sure, I do find it a little easier to respect people than he does, but that doesn't mean that I'm about to go all gaga over some girl (or guy, but I digress). I'm Assistant CEO of KaibaCorp - I just don't have time for that sort of stuff. And think of the media - they'd be all over me, and it'd be really annoying, you know?

...Actually, you probably _don't _know, because you're not as rich and awesome as I happen to be. Stick to this rule, though.

6. My brother is the only person who has remained a constant in my life, and vice versa, so _why the hell _would he rape me? Honestly, hasn't the fact that he spends a good deal of his time designing perfect three-dimensional replicas of various scantily clad women (I here refer to the Dark Magician Girl and the Harpie Ladies, but there are others) alert you people to him being _straight_? And even if he wasn't, why would he want to ruin my life by doing that sort of stuff to me? Honestly, I can't believe you people! I'd seriously recommend that-

-actually, here's a good idea. How about you people try finding a reasonably close relative, preferably a brother or sister, and then rape them? No? You don't want to?

I rest my case.

Definitely not yours, _ever_,

Mokuba Kaiba, Assistant CEO of Kaiba Corp.

* * *

**Notes:**

**1. **Capsule Monsters made two appearances in the early manga run - they were little toys that could be used as pieces for a game bearing some resemblance to chess. In the first appearance of the game, Mokuba actually _bought a dispensing machine and all its contents _from a shop, and had it carried off to a hideout by his gang (yes, he had a gang in the early manga!), in order to kidnap Yugi and threaten to chop the guy's fingers off with a knife. It made more sense in context, trust me.

* * *

**UAB**

Quick reminder: I am not about to take on any anime-only character, or a character from Millennium World, because I really don't know enough about them or how they play out in fics. Someday, maybe, but someday isn't today.

Moving on: Anime!Mokuba and Manga!Mokuba are quite different - one's a fairly meek Kaiba-cheerleader, the other's a tiny terror who tried to poison Yugi and co, attempted to get Yugi's hand chopped off, and ran around stealing Star Chips at one point, all in the name of his big brother. This letter is based off the snarky Manga!Mokuba, as he's the one I know more about.

Every single incident he mentions did take place in the manga, if not the anime as well.

Addressed here:

- He is _not _cute, and it really ticks me off to see him referred to as that. He's just... not cute.

- Many Mokuba fics have him being so 'kawaii' that his Puppy Eyes are able to make Kaiba do whatever he likes. Actually, Mokuba gets practically whatever he likes, and anyone who doesn't give him what he wants is usually spat and stomped on. Unless it's his big brother, in which case 'no' is 'no', and there is no argument. Then again, being Assistant Director and all, he doesn't usually need to ask Seto for things.

- He's not a wimp, and yet is wimpified (look, a new word!) even more than Marik or Ryou on occasion. He may be vulnerable to being kidnapped, but he's pretty brave - he's really not as submissive as some people like to write him.

- Then again, he's not about to start wielding a chainsaw, and I don't care if it's a Millennium Chainsaw. This one refers to not just stories with a psychotic Mokuba in them, but also to the practice of making Mokuba into a bad guy for seemingly no logical reason, in order to bring drama into a ship involving his older brother (or just having an excuse to get rid of Mokuba, either way). It's not as common as Anzu or Mai derailing of this sort, but it does happen.

- Mokuba ships seem to be side-ships around here (so pair Seto off, and then pair Mokuba off with someone else to stop him from complaining too loudly) - no problem with that, but in those cases where it happens, people don't seem to put a lot of thought into characterizing him properly. They're just _together_, despite Mokuba not really being the sort of character you can get away with doing that to. Much like Kaiba, he isn't really going to care about someone unless he's got a good reason to.

- I'm pretty sure that Mokuba would find Kaiba-rape quite a disturbing experience, given how formal Kaiba is, and how distressed Mokuba got when Kaiba started going psycho on him. So... yeah, he would be pretty unlikely to enjoy it.

Heads up: Leaning towards Yugi, Yami Marik, and the Dark Magican Girl of all things (though I may be making that one a general rant from some of the better-known Duel Monsters, it just depends on how much I can get on her). As always, feel free to let me know of common flaws for these three, or suggest someone else.


	11. Ryou Bakura

**Author Ramble: **Before we begin, I'd like to say once more that I'm not about to take on anime – only or Millennium World – only characters, because I know very little about them and their place in this fandom. Maybe someday I'll do it, but not until I've done the characters I know – it's actually quite a lot of work digging up all the info, plus examples of the fandom view, plus watching all the episodes; a quick Google search really won't cut it for me on this. Rebecca and Zigfried are the only people I may end up doing from the anime–only arcs at the moment, because I have written for both of them before.

Sorry guest, but that means no Dartz for now.

On with the show.

* * *

Dear Fanfiction Writers...

...I don't know what to say.

I mean, there's actually a lot of questions in my head right now, but I'm not so sure I want to know the answers to most of them. And the rest of the questions might hurt your feelings, and I don't want to do that. I mean, you're human beings.

I _think._

So. Um. I think your stories are really good, and I'm really pleased that you tried. But... well... {various scratched out words} I don't recognize any of the people who have my name - Ryou, Ryo, Bakura in rare cases (and here I would like to thank those of you who actually call me Bakura - you are very polite people). And I'm sure they look just like me, too. That's what worries me most; I mean, they're meant to be me, I'm certain of it, but they're honestly not like me at all.

It is very unsettling to think about, you know. I really value your opinions, of course, but when it comes to the subject of me, I would like to think that you would see me as a brave, courageous individual, who really stood up for his friends. I suicided for Yugi and Anzu and the rest during that fateful game of Monster World, in order to save them - and no, I don't actually know how they brought me back to life afterwards. I survived being stabbed in the chest with multiple metal spikes, I was strong enough to become the bearer of the Millennium Ring, I was bold enough to stick with Yugi and his friends, despite that nasty voice in my pendant wanting me to do otherwise.

And yet - though I'm not sure how this happened or anything - so many of you seem to think that I like to hide behind couches, under beds, _anything _to get away from danger, people, or dangerous people. And I apparently don't like the occult at all; I have to sleep with a lamp on becase I don't like the dark, I have a stutter, I am very delicate, the fictional list goes on and on. Could you people at least _try _not to assume those sorts of things? I don't like to judge people like that, so I don't really like it when you all decide that I'm something which I'm not. It makes me worried that some of you honestly think that I'm super shy, for instance, or that I am am antisocial. I'm not shy; I just don't want people to get hurt from being around me, so I avoid other people as best I can. Doesn't that mean that I actually care about other human beings?

Another thing, too - _Setting a psychopath on me does not mean that I will obligingly curl in a ball and whimper on sighting him or her._ I don't normally fight back or try to get revenge or anything, but I think that if, say, an axe-murderer who you'd seen on TV recently jumped through your bedroom window with something sharp and pointy (Heaven forbid that I'd actually want something as dreadful as that to happen to you!), you would at least attempt to run away. If he caught you and held you down, you would struggle. And if there just happened to be a gun next to your bed, you would probably try to pick it up and point it at him. If the criminal was to attempt spanking or hitting you, you would either yell out in pain or grit your teeth because of the sharp pointy thing.

My point being that you would _not_ groan in pleasure 'More, pleeeeeease, morrrrreee!'.

I am not that sort of human being, either. I don't think anyone is; or rather, I hope not. So you can see why it would worry me a little that you are all so fond of writing scenes in which the above scenario happens, and I lie on the bed moaning.

And speaking of moaning, you must surely realize that I am not a whiner? I am sure I would have many things to complain about, if I really put my mind to it; many more than _you_, I suspect. And yet, I do not prance around in sombre black, slashing my wrists. I have never done that or expressed a desire to, so I am honestly not sure what would give you that idea. Some of you feel that I _like _that awful little voice that makes me faint sometimes, and that losing the voice with the pendant means that I will be very sad as a result.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but I _died _trying to get rid of that voice. I honestly can't say that I would really want it back...

With great politeness,

Ryou Bakura

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here:

- Polite =/= wimp

- Being weaker willed than Yugi in terms of fighting back the Ring Spirit =/= coward

- Socially withdrawn =/= shy and/or antisocial

- Having problems in his life =/= being majorly depressed

- _Tendershipping._

Heads up: Yami Marik, Yugi, Pegasus, Yami Yugi - all are in the cards now (pun not intended).


	12. Seto Kaiba

Dear Fan Fiction Writers,

I am ordering you to cease and desist with this juvenile behavior.

Allow me to elaborate: I, the almighty Seto Kaiba, have been put to shame more than a thousand times over now with your many pathetic attempts at portraying my highly complex likeness in words. Let me put it simply for you ground-feeders: There _is _no describing me. However hard you try to detail my incredible intelligence, my prowess for games of any kind, or even my fondness for the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, you are never going to come _close. _Just give up already!

Now, normally I would not even _bother _to write a letter such as this one; I highly doubt any of you are going to comprehend it, much less act on it. However, my pride forces me to take some sort of action, or you are all going to make me a laughing stock. I know that you surely cannot put my glorious magnificence into words, but can you at least stop turning me into someone who _cares_ about anything other than my lovely dragons, my company, winning games, and my brother? Any and all of my positive emotions were driven out by that man who honestly does not deserve to be called 'Father'!

Perhaps I should make this more clear: I do _not _care at all about your precious OC, or their silly tagline. I do not care about you, or your feelings. I do not care about Anzu, Marik, Yami Bakura, Zigfried, Haga, Kajiki, or _anyone else._

On that subject, many of you appear to be overly fond of what you call 'Puppyshipping'. I will have you know that I do not waste my time on bumbling fools. Wheeler is not even _worth_ insulting; it is only because his responses are so very entertaining that I goad him a little. It is rather funny to poke idiots, and watch them run around in circles - in the same way, it is quite funny to read the wonderful things you write about my rival (and I suppose I may grudgingly thank you for having that annoying girl in Yugi's group killed off so many times, I was getting sick of her as well). Where it _isn't _funny is where you attempt to have me fall for the moron; or worse still, fall for you. Certainly, if Wheeler and I are in the same room, you may expect us to be at each other's throats - but not in _that_ way.

And another thing - regarding your OCs, many of you like to call them 'Daisy Kaiba' or 'Harry Kaiba'. Please note that they are _not _in any way, shape, or form related to me due to that surname; that is merely an indicator that they are children of my bastard adopter, and they will be treated as such. If ever I have the glorious opportunity of meeting one of your precious OCs in person, I will not be afraid to have my good butler fire at will on her pretty face, - yes, even if she has kitty ears. I will simply not tolerate relatives; they blemish my wonderful name in horrible ways.

That Little Person has put strange ideas in your fickle minds, too - it would be to my detriment to yell 'Screw the rules, I have money' in the face of an adversary, as it indicates that I am about to cheat. If I absolutely _must _break a rule, I will do so silently. Perhaps shouting something along those lines would accentuate my supremacy over my opponent, however I prefer to make my dominance known via more subtle means. It is much harder for an opponent to say that he is better than me, when he is dueling on a Kaiba Corp - owned airship, with Kaiba Corp - owned technology!

Lastly: Given that the game of Duel Monsters is my forte, why don't _any _of you bother to portray me in all my glory as I play it? It does little to help my impression when it comes to your intelligence - I must say, the rules of the game are relatively _simple _compared to some of the plots you people write. Are you too lazy to learn the rules, or are you merely too feeble to try? You do me and my company a vast disservice by writing me without my game; it is part of my _character_, oxymorons!

Impolite regards,

Seto Kaiba

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here:

- Pretty simple fact here: He doesn't care. About anyone. Except his brother, his company, and his Blue Eyes. Of course, Kaiba ships in general are extremely hard due to this; he needs a very good reason to care about somebody, it seems. I'm not saying that it's impossible to get him to care, but it's probably the number one reason for him being OOC - it's just easier to ship him when he's a caring person, isn't it?

- Kaiba's ego is huge, but it isn't so huge that he would do something silly. He doesn't go streaking in the street just because he can, okay?

- He's intrinsically linked to Duel Monsters; possibly more obsessed with it than anyone else bar Pegasus. No real biggie, but it always kind of amuses me when people don't mention it at some stage, given how much he likes his cards.


	13. Yami Yugi, aka Pharaoh Atem

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

My gripes are many with ye who have defiled my reputation, trespassed in the hearts of my friends, and made me the laughing stock of the afterlife - but we really should begin at the beginning. First and foremost, I would like you all to get my name right.

Let me put it this way: _I spent a good eight volumes of manga trying to discover my name. _That would indicate that I did not know what my name actually _was_ prior to the finding of it, yes? To make things easier for my friends, my partner simply referred to me as 'the other me', and I was called 'Yami Yugi' by everyone else - that, or 'the other Yugi'. My enemies generally called me 'Pharaoh' , though 'goth baby', 'midget', or variations thereof were admittedly common with those amongst them who had no knowledge of my illustrious background.

The thing is, there exists no birth certificate (or, indeed, birth _tablet_) bearing the name of one 'Yami Yugi' - _or _'Goth Baby' - with reference to yours truly. It is but an alias, created to make talking about me that much easier. And all 'Yami Yugi' means is 'Dark Yugi' - it is naught but a label. I must say, it was amusing the first few times you all decided that Yami was my first name and Yugi somehow my last - can you imagine the sort of confusion you could cause if you applied the same rule to 'Yami Bakura' or 'Yami Marik'? - but after a while, it because tiring. To the dub, I say this: Don't believe everything you see on television. I believed that Pegasus was a borderline nice guy, and look where that got me.

So, I went nameless for a long time - and when I _did _find that name, it was not 'Kaiba' - for the record, we are not cousins, we are _reincarnations_ of the Pharaoh and the Priest, and 'Kaiba' isn't even Seto's real surname. It was not 'Yami' - though I have to admit that the term 'Pharaoh Yami' is slightly appealing, I greatly prefer my _real _name, thankyou very much - and it definitely was not 'Yugi'.

I will say this once, and once only: My name is Atem - not Aten, not Aa-tem, not Amet, certainly not Anubis, and not Ra-Atem; please do remember to look up the spelling if you are ever unsure, because some of you seem to struggle with it almost as badly as you do with the name of Akhenamkhanen, my father-

-who _is _my father, by the way, which brings us onto the topic of unexpected extra family members. I am fairly sure that I never had a brother or a sister (and no, Mana is not my sister if she is _like _a sister), and certainly no older siblings. Female Pharaohs did exist in Ancient Egypt, so even if my elder siblings had been female, they would still have inherited my throne when my father died, at least until I was of age to rule myself - in short, it really does confuse me when you decide to give me a veritable plethora of extra brothers and sisters, most of whom are older than me, and all of whom carry extra Millennium Items.

And on the topic of those - a village had to be massacred in order to get anywhere near enough energy to create _seven_ of them. Do you realize just how many people you would have had to wipe to create all of the Millennium Items you have made up between yourselves? We _know _that we made only seven of those 'awesome magical weapons' - the only reason my father did not make enough to give to everyone loyal to him was because we would have had to wipe out a large chunk of our own population! And _no,_ I would have never done it myself - I do not kill for power, I kill to defend my friends, and did eventually learn to tone it down when they expressed their displeasure.

Which, by the way, means that though I have admittedly dismembered people in the modern-day plot, I would never run around brandishing a chainsaw. I am _not _to be compared with the likes of Chopman simply because I have killed; this is most unacceptable. Many of you look at me, you see me blowing someone up or setting someone on fire, and you all seem to think 'Oh, he must be so nasty' - but when you really look at it, I only killed because I felt the need to protect my partner - in hindsight, it was probably a little over the top to kill someone because they stole my host's toy - and this then means that I would never try to hurt my host, or his friends for that matter. Ergo, I do not rape my host; nor do I hurt him - the guard dog does not bite its owner, so to speak.

Not that that should indicate that I am at all weak, soft-hearted, or whatever you may have me be - all it means is that my partner is stronger than I am. I would _never _give up my quest if I was to, say, lose a game against someone - I lost against my self-proclaimed rival, and I'll have you know that _I _wasn't the one who was crying; and yet some of you like to have me becoming somehow depressed at the smallest loss or setback, and my partner having to help me up. In all seriousness - why exactly do none of you seem to understand that _both _of us are strong in our own right? We stand together - we're partners!

And before you say it - no, I don't mean it in the marital sense.

Yours truthfully,

Pharaoh Atem - also known as Yami Yugi, Goth Baby, Midget, and Kid.

* * *

**UAB**

This 'un's for you, oh patient guest reviewer - Yami E, you've waited a while, hmm?

Anyways - Yami Yugi doesn't seem like the sort to really rant at anyone, so I'm pleased with what I managed.

Addressed here:

- Names; I'll freely admit that this went into Millennium World territory, but only because the whole 'Yami' thing has escalated to such levels that now we have 'Pharaoh Yami' popping around to say hi, in a series where the finding of Yami Yugi's 'real' name is arguably the whole _point _of it.

- Extra family members; you'd be surprised at how big the family manages to getin some fics, and OCs not being shipped with Yami Yugi sometimes like to be the reincarnation of his sister in real-world scenarios.

- Extra Millennium Items; as he's the center of the Millennium Items plot, it felt right to put the obligatory 'fake Millennium Items' rant in here. Incidentally, the story of the Millennium Items was changed from its early manga explanation - in the second volume, Shadi states that the Millennium Items were created by the Pharaoh's magicians, to punish thieves who tried to rob the Pharaohs' tombs.

- In my less-than-humble opinion, you just can't run a Yami Yugi rant without mentioning the psychopath/abusive version - this, combined with the counterpart found in the rarer 'gentle' Yami Yugi is one of the big character breaks I've seen for him in the fandom. Yes, Yami Yugi did kill people; he was _defending Yugi_. Yes, it was utterly over the top, yes, he could best be described as a 'justice demon' - but all the same, he's not going to kill and/or hurt Yugi. Similarly - he uses Yugi's friends as a reason for some of his punishments, so he's unlikely to try and hurt them ('You have trespassed in the hearts/souls of my friends' was a phrase used on multiple occasions when he challenged the wrongdoer of the week).

- Gentle/angsty Yami Yugi is rarer - from what I've heard, I'm fairly sure that DOMA may have had something to do with it - unless it didn't. At any rate, for most YGO characters, there seems to be a wimpier version of them in the fandom...

Heads up: Honda and Bandit Keith are looking quite likely at the moment, and as always, suggestions are welcome - just no anime-only or Millennium World characters, please (YGO R is fine, though). Also - I am being dragged off to some remote bushland for a 'holiday', which basically means that when I get back on Sunday, you guys may well be spammed with chapters on this fic and 'Obligatory Crossover', due to my mind going into overdrive with no distractions.

* * *

**Guest Review Replies **(from now on, they'll be on whatever chapter the review was published on):

**Yami E:** At last, you get Yami Yugi, and I get to reply to ya. Dunno why I wasn't doing this before - laziness, I guess?

Yeah - I did hear something about the dub mangling his name, though I didn't know that they had doctored the plot so that he wasn't looking for his real name in Battle City (that's when it starts to become a focus, and flows nicely into Millennium World). The merchandising companies didn't get it right either - they had a tendency to call Yami Yugi 'Yu-Gi-Oh' as though that were his name; though I haven't seen most people using that one, xDD. The reason why it still came included in the rant is because all of my characters are based off their manga selves; and with names being such a big part of the manga's plot, I didn't think he would be very impressed, xD.

Playing Yami Yugi right can be very difficult when you're only aware of the dub-canon (which is probably a canon in its own right) - it's easy to make him even nicer than he is in dub.

Rebecca Hopkins is an anime only character, but because I have written things for her before, I can do it again.

Thanks for the good word, and you're welcome! -chews on cookie-


	14. Yami Marik

**Author's Comment: And so the sugar high continues onwards; this one and Pegasus's were written side by side.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

My name is -

Oh, _wait_. I don't actually have a name, do I?

Sure, some people might refer to me as 'Yami Marik', usually about sixty seconds before their heads are removed - but all the name really means is 'Dark Marik'. Unlike that tomb robber I crushed under my boots, I have no track record that links me in some incredibly obscure way back to Ancient Egypt. I am hate personified, a hatred so strong that it has wrenched control from its master, turning them into a complete psychopath. All my Rod contains is a dagger.

A very, _very _sharp dagger.

And now, let me explain something to you: I am as old as humanity, always trying to destroy it, drag it into the depths of oblivion. I do not care about you, nor your OC, nor anyone else; I will never work with any of you pathetic weaklings, no matter what they might have to offer. My mission in life is to murder life itself; plunge the world into darkness, annihilate all civilization; and yes, werewolf civilization too, wizard civilization - whatever races you've made up, I want to kill them too.

Examples help explanations - so let's pretend for a minute that a girl with a really big whip comes to me, attempts to seduce me, and then demands to work with me. I wouldn't hesitate to eliminate her, just as soon as I got the chance. That might seem foolish to you people, especially if she happens to be a weapon in her own right, but the fact is that I need no help. I am already perfect, undiluted hatred; what more could anyone want? Certainly not a girl with a whip - she would be destroyed, as would anyone who tried to cling to me. Perhaps I would not kill them right away, but it _would _happen; those pathetic notions of teamwork all over the floor in a lovely mess, most likely a _red _mess-

**(Here, he starts rambling on and on about the multiple ways in which a fangirl may be dissected. In order to save the rating of this fic, the aforementioned area of the letter has been removed - Ed.)**

It should be pretty obvious by now that some of you have gone entirely the wrong way about writing me - I use tickle torture, perhaps, or I'm just a harmless vegetable with a moderately creepy laugh. Maybe, _despite being hatred itself_, I so happen to have fallen head over heels for a guy who I attempted to kill - and not once, but twice. Or, he's fallen for his would-be butcher, and I'm ever so nice and tender about it - which is every single level of _wrong_, and then some more. Honestly - why don't you just turn me into a giggling little kid, or a fashionista, or a cat-guy. The result's going to be exactly the same anyway - don't even _think _about sleeping tonight, 'cos you people don't deserve it.

Let me get this straight with the lot of you deluded fools: I am a murderous psychopath, someone who you wouldn't want to meet in the middle of the night, and I _don't even care if you put bloody scented candles on the table, and filled the whole house with roses, meeting me will NOT be romantic. _'Romantic' is not a good word to be used when describing me, neither is 'cute' - and no, I do not give 'hugs'. I will tell you straight off what I'm going to do to you, because I want to see you shiver! I want to hear you scream when I come for you, I want to hear your wails when I'm mutilating your frail body. I have different methods for boys and girls - so if you are a boy, I would begin your slaughter by-

**(Again, the descriptions of grievous body harm have been removed - Ed.)**

However - I will also have you know that I am rather patient. I do not merely go about waving a chain saw and hoping that it finds its target - no, far from it I mean, if I had wanted to kill the Pharaoh, I could have done it as soon as I'd taken control of the host - I'd just have lashed out, and he'd never know what hit him (well, aside from the pointy object lodged in his ribcage, but I digress). That's exactly the issue, though - _he wouldn't have known what hit him_. There would be no recognition for me; no savouring the look on his face, when he realized that it was all hopeless, that now, in one decisive blow, he was going to _die_.

Notice the lack of a 'Shadow Realm' clause . This, by the way, is because large and pointy items do _not_, in fact, send you to the Shadow Realm; at least one can return from that place. I'm not entirely sure what the specifics of the damage caused by large and pointy objects is, but I do know that you will leak a high amount of red liquid if pierced by one. This liquid is called 'blood', and the leakage of it is, in all honesty, not really good for your average uppity Pharaoh.

At all.

In closing: Enjoy what little life you have left, before I find out where you live and-

**(And again, the descriptions of mass murder have been removed - Ed.)**

Signed,

'Yami Marik', aka 'Hate', aka 'Auuuuugh! Ack!', ect.

* * *

**UAB**

Addressed here:

- He's not called 'Yami Marik', he does not have that name on a birth certificate. The name's just a way of differentiating between Semi-Normal Marik and Psycho-Marik - so you can use it, sure, but he won't call himself Yami Marik. If that makes any sense...?

- He doesn't work with people, pretty much because he has a huge ego, even if he doesn't really flaunt it. There's a good reason why Yami Bakura didn't try to switch sides when Yami Marik first showed, and it wasn't just because Marik would have likely never left him alone if he had done so.

- Probably best not to write him as cute/harmless, seeing as he is neither.

- He's apparently the embodiment of hatred. Even if you somehow managed to have him falling for someone, he's not about to go all nice and tender - perhaps least of all for Marik. This, of course, makes things hard when you're attempting to ship him; so then OOC can happen with it.

- He's also not a total psychopath; if he were, everyone would likely have died within hours of his showing up. He's crazed, yes, and the main reason behind his waiting is that he basically wants to get the maximum satisfaction out of each kill, but some people really take him to Saw-ish levels.

- I know the whole 'hug' thing started as an Abridged joke, but in all seriousness, he seems to enjoy describing what he's going to do to people in a fair bit of detail; especially so in the super dark manga. I don't think I've heard him just say 'I'm going to kill you' without elaborating on exactly how he plans to do it.


	15. Yugi Moto

**Author's Comment: It's been a stressful couple of weeks; but now that the sugar's back in my system, it's time to update.**

* * *

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I really don't like to show off, but I don't like being put down, either. With that in mind, I'm glad to be able to talk to you guys at last, because enough is enough. I'd like to be really nice about all of this, but... well, you people have bullied me into next week. The others are probably all defending their own cases, so it's time to stand up for myself and fight back!

...And before you all give me that look, I'll have you know that you people have tortured me in ways Ushio couldn't manage, and humiliated me worse than Pegasus ever could - and that's not even _counting _the genderbent fics. Trust me, I have good reason to be retaliating here. I really wish that I could say everything here to your faces, but it looks like a letter will be the only way to contact you. So, a letter it is.

Let me begin with a question: Do you guys remember all those battles the other me won? Okay, so if you don't: Do you remember how badass the other me was? Of course you do; I've seen the pictures some of you have drawn, the ones where he's six foot tall, with abs to rival a gym buff - and no, I'm not about to go into the ones where he's fondling me, because it's already a pretty useless case trying to convince some of you that we're honestly just friends. The point here is - at the end of the day, the one everyone called 'Yami Yugi' was truly awesome, wasn't he? (And for those of you disagreeing on this point, I implore you to keep reading - this is an odd way to write a letter, I know.) Even statisticswise, anyone with a reading capacity can see that he won all the games, received all the top honors; all through his amazing abilities as a duelist, some of which were borderline magical. I had a deep respect for him; we all did – heck, even Kaiba did, which is certainly saying something.

But, guess what: At the end of the day, through sheer hard work and observing his playing style, _I beat my partner_. He was fighting his hardest, too - I could feel it, I could see it in his eyes. That day, in one glorious match, I beat the King of Games himself; a champion of international tournaments – no, not just a champion, but the very best of the best.

So, I ask you: Why do you all see me as a wimpy, naive, dumb little kid, who hides behind this big, strong 'Yami' figure every three seconds? I know I'm hardly as intimidating as Kaiba, but still – can't you at least see that I'm stronger mentally than Ryou or Marik? As I said before, I don't like to brag – but I think this needs to be explained to you guys: All three of us had our bodies taken over by spirits, our own hate; whatever. Point is, I managed to fight off my very possessive spirit – _unlike _both of them.

Or maybe I should try putting it differently: My willpower alone is so strong that I managed to get a guy civilized enough to drink a milkshake with a girl - a guy who, when we first met, enjoyed _blowing up people_, just because they'd stolen our space for a games booth in the school carnival. (**1**) This guy's answer to just about everything at first was extreme violence - do you even_ realize_ how hard it was to stop him from butchering people? At first, I couldn't even remember what he'd been doing; but I eventually got up the confidence to stay awake while he was taking control. Ryou Bakura taught me why exactly I should resist; Yami Bakura was absolutely out of control back then!

Yes, I was pretty shy before I solved the Millennium Puzzle; _but I still had the backbone to stand up for my friends._ In front of a six-foot-tall Godzilla type thug, I might add.

Yes, I was beaten up; _but the guy was about three times my height._ Even the other me at his most psychopathic never engaged in physical combat, and for good reason. (**2**)

Yes, I was a nice guy, still am; _but so's just about every cliched superhero ever. _And if we're going to go multi-fandom here, I'd say that Naruto and Luffy - despite being people who could tear your heads from your bodies - are also nice guys. It's possible to be both nice and badass, you know.

While we're on the topic of nice guys - I was hoping that I wouldn't find that any of you considered me to be evil, but it looks like I was sadly mistaken. According to some of you, I'm worse than Ushio in terms of sheer intimidating, but it's combined with Yami Bakura's strategic mind, and Yami Marik's... uh... well, whatever makes him laugh _that_ way. So, just putting this one out there: I'm not that way. At all.

A quick list, to clear this up:

- I do not murder small children, or alternatively murder their parents and just give the kid a scar.

- I do not go up to large thugs and give them a good thrashing.

- I do not set fire to buildings, people, animals, or anything else in my spare time.

- I do nottry to kill people, however good a reason I may have for doing so - and _especially _not Pegasus. Stop trying to make Yami Bakura look like a goddamn angel already.

- I do not have a mental condition that causes me to become suicidal, obsessive, ruthless, schizophrenic, homocidal, amnesiac, or all of the above.

By the way, these are all things that I was attempting to stop other me from doing (in the case of the last, I was trying to help him). Why would I ever want to do them?

Okay, the rant's over now - just one more thing I'd like to say, all right? Then you can go back to doing whatever you're doing, I promise. What I'm about to put here is probably the single most important thing you're going to take out of this whole letter. It's only four words, so I implore you - if nothing else, read that sentence at least. Here we go:

Please don't kill me.

Yours respectfully,

Yugi Moto, current King of Games.

* * *

**Notes:**

1. Happened in the manga.

2. On a couple of occasions, Yami Yugi actually _ran away_; usually to lure people further into some dastardly trap he'd set up.

**UAB **

Finally, we got around to the main character. If he seems more confident than what he is during most of the series, that would be because this letter is meant to have been written just after the Final Duel.

This addresses three big nitpicks with Yugi:

- Being played as so severely underrated that it's not even funny - this doesn't just happen in fics where another character's taking the spotlight. He's a gaming master in his own right; I've always suspected that the whole point of the DDM arc in the manga was to prove this (Yugi went head-to-head against Otogi, in a game which he didn't even know the rules for - _while his Puzzle was in pieces all over the floor_).

- Yugi being wimpy, naive, or just plain stupid. TVTropes (a very addictive website) summed it up like this:

"Oh, Yugi. How are you ukefied? Too many ways to name. In canon, he started out as a loser who was picked on a lot but still had enough backbone to stand up when people he considers friends are being attacked and over time grew more confident thanks to his darker Pharaoh friend. Also probably a master strategist able to rival Napoleon and Lee (if you take into account that all he does is play strategy games). But if you read fanfiction, he's a spineless little wimp who's always being raped or abused by everyone near him until "Yami" comes along and saves him. Or Yami kidnaps him and does the raping, torturing and abusing himself until Yugi falls in love with him and then he turns good and Yugi defends his actions to others saying that Yami's "misunderstood". Or when the Pharaoh leaves, Yugi becomes so emotionally unbalanced that he kills himself _despite saying in the manga and anime that he didn't need him anymore_. That unfortunately sums up pretty much 99.9% of _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ fanfiction, 99.99% if you substitute Ryou Bakura and the Spirit of the Ring for Yugi and the Pharaoh."

- Yugi becoming psychotic, insane, or just plain evil for no good reason (and no, ships don't count as good reasons here).

- Heads up: Yami Marik and Pegasus are definitely in the cards now.


	16. New - Rebecca Hawkins

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

You guys can write anything you want, right? You could get me that dream wedding with Yugi-dearest, right? Or at least write me into all of his adventures, so I can be around him? You can do that at least, I know you can.

So, I guess my question is - why haven't you?

Not that I'm saying that you all _should _do that, or at least not right away, because then the stories wouldn't really be that interesting - but can any of you explain why in nearly every story I read, I am apparently nonexistent, or a dumb, ungrateful, whiny little kid with her only friend a teddy, or an overly clingy fangirl who totally deserves to be thrown into a bear pit? Whatever happened to being a friend of Yugi's family, a dueling prodigy who played in the KaibaCorp Grand Prix and made it all the way to the semi-finals (which is more than can be said for Jounouchi), a fiesty young girl who managed to give Yugi a peck on the cheek?

I mean - if you guys can write anything you like, why do you waste all the words explaining how shortly after the final duel, I was dragged underwater and torn apart by robotic crocodiles, while Anzu laughed maniacally (and I highly doubt she'd ever actually do - she's too nice)? What's the point of writing something like that, and not - okay, I won't say 'wedding', but why not write an ending to the story that has Yugi in a great mood, with me and everyone else celebrating or something? If you really like Yugi so much, why kill me and leave him missing one of his friends?

Well?

Oh, yeah. This is a letter, so I guess you can't really reply right away - but if you could possibly find some way of getting back to me on this important question, it would sure be appreciated. At any rate, I guess I might as well tell you all a bit about myself, because - and I hope you won't mind my saying this - none of you really seem to know anything about me.

So - my name is Rebecca Hawkins, American duelist extraordinaire - it's amazing how many of you don't even register that one, and so then I'm Rebecca Moto or Rebeckla Smith or something (let me assure you, I'm not!). I am twelve years old (1) - not sixteen, not the same age as Yugi and his friends, not even the same nationality as them, but every bit as clever. In college by fourteen; I'd like to see _you _try that. I'm a cheerful, outgoing type; not a geeky recluse, not the type to start bawling as soon as I'm in trouble.

Now, as to how I met Yugi - this is really important, because all of you guys seem to stuff up your explanations so badly. Here we go: My grandpa was great friends with Yugi's grandpa. So, I'd heard all these stories about Mister Moto - but Yugi and I only found each other two years ago. We didn't get on too well at first, but after that initial misunderstanding, I reckon we were doing pretty well. I mean - if your families are friends, you kind of end up behaving nicely towards each other; or at the very least, you tolerate the other person, because otherwise you upset the grown-ups.

Contrary to popular belief, I did _not _behave dumber than dumb during that first encounter; and I definitely haven't ever behaved that way around Yugi, ever. For those not in the know - I didn't flash him, slap him, or kiss hi- okay, so I kissed him, but that's besides the point. I mean, we were just friends - and I was friends with him, because his grandpa and my grandpa were _friends_; I didn't just appear out of nowhere, jump in his face, and go "YUGI, I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN, LOVE ME ALREADY!", as some of you seem to be so fond of making me shout. I'm feisty, I'm impulsive, and it just seemed like a good idea at the time, okay? We stayed friends afterwards, too; I met him again when he was attempting to get home during the Grand Prix and all that, and I was participating - did you know, I was the top American duelist at the time? I'm much, much stronger than all of you seem to make out; I don't have God Cards or anything, but I'm still really great at the card game.

Later!

Rebecca Hawkins

P.S:

Yes, I wear a short skirt.

This does not make me evil.

* * *

**Notes: **

1. She's actually eight in the English dub, twelve in the Japanese. I went with twelve here, seeing as she's apparently in college by the time the Grand Prix came around; fourteen or fifteen is still very young for that to be happening in, but it's more believable than the ten or eleven she'd have been in the dub by that point.

* * *

**UAB**

Not entirely happy with this one; I may end up revising it later.

Yes, I know I said 'no anime-only characters' - my reasoning was that I hadn't done the research. However, there are a few anime characters I have done proper work on, because I have written them before. Rebecca is one of these, so I was able to write a letter for her - and as she cops an enormous amount of bashing in the fandom, I figured it was probably a good idea to try covering her. I may as well say that I'm not overly fond of Rebecca as a character myself (primarily because she is a bit one-dimensional in my opinion), but I hope I still did her justice.

Addressed here:

- Why do people write entire fics about a character if they hate that character so much? It's an age-old question, and one I don't really know how to answer myself.

- Rebecca is very smart, very resourceful; yet most don't seem to write her that way (even if they don't intend to bash). Yes, she's childish at times, and I've gotta say that the teddy bear didn't help her image much (note that she didn't have it for the KC Grand Prix), but she's definitely not a baby. If anything, I guess you could say that she's Mai a Mai of sorts, using her cuteness to get males off their guard. And yes, she lost to Yugi - then again, _everyone_ loses to Yugi. He's the protagonist of a shohen anime, what more can I say?

- Rebecca's family is friends with Yugi's family - she isn't exactly some random fangirl who rushed Yugi from behind, but this seems to be forgotten all too often, and so we get Rebecca as a squealing fangirl. Incidentally, Vivian is the closest the series would have to being of that stereotype - she's a self-proclaimed fan of Kaiba and Yugi, comes straight out of nowhere, and invokes the whole 'love-slave' clause; and yet Rebecca's more often the person the writers will whack in as a token fangirl.

Heads up: Honda, Otogi; ya can't have one without the other, right?


	17. New - Hiroto Honda, aka Tristan Taylor

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Considering what some of the other's reactions have been to reading their stuff, I guess I should be grateful to you all. I don't know what exactly you people wrote about Anzu, for instance, but I doubt it was pretty stuff; her reaction sure wasn't. Kaiba wouldn't even _speak _to anyone for weeks after he received his documents, and Jounouchi was angry beyond angry about it. I didn't even hear about what happened with Yugi, but I can only imagine that the response wasn't very good, either. They all seemed to hate writing out their reviews, really hated reading all of the stuff they got, so I wasn't really looking forwards to getting my fics, but... well. Here we are, I guess.

So, I've got my stories, I read them in about half an afternoon where the others took practically weeks. But then again, I guess I should mention that there were just a few pieces of paper in an envelope for me. The others all got boxes - actually, I heard that Ryou got _two _boxes, two boxes all for him. Not that having more stories really makes things any better, but still. The real point here is that what you've written about me wasn't really much of a read. Not because it was all _bad_, but... there wasn't much of it, y'know?

Well, the form's asked me to 'complain and criticize' your stories - but to be honest, I don't think I can really complain about what you guys have written. Of course, that would be mostly because you haven't really written much - and again, I'm kind of grateful that you haven't written anything _horrible_ about me; I'm not getting thrown into a bear pit or getting decapitated or anything like that. Still - when everyone except me is having a great time, and I'm... uh, I dunno, floating in some bottomless void or something, it's hard not to feel a bit left out. Even when you throw my name in, it's really not enough. And I'd like it if I was having adventures, too - ooh, and being relevant to the plot for once. I don't mind if I'm not the main character, but... you know, that would kind of be nice.

So, I sort of feel that maybe I should ask you people this - how many of you remember that I exist? And I don't mean that I exist as some random guy in the corner you feel obligated to mention, but as a close member of Yugi's friend circle. I'm not as outgoing as Jounouchi, sure, but that doesn't mean that I should therefore be ignored. Speaking of Jou, I guess I should probably mention that I'm not identical to Jounouchi, either; I'm his best friend, sure, but how many best friends do you know that are absolutely the same in every aspect of their character?

I hate to snark, but the answer to that is zero. Just in case you guys, you know, don't have any best friends.

Back on topic - really I'm just wondering, it's great and all that you don't kill me or anything like that - but why exactly _do _you all forget about me? Is it mass amnesia? Am I not bad-ass enough for you people, despite being the only competent gun-handler in the whole group, able to shoot three guys down in less than three seconds? (That was admittedly with a laser rifle, but I can use normal guns really well, too). Did I maybe not do enough for Yugi to _qualify _as his friend in your eyes? If so, what exactly is the standard procedure or fangirlish code?

Do I not have enough girls? I'm quite the ladies man, if you don't mind me saying, so I guess that can't be it. Maybe it's because I hang out with Duke too much? Mind you, he has a lot of fangirls himself, so you'd think that would boost my numbers. What if it's because I did something really bad, that I don't remember but you guys do? My friends would probably have told me about it now, though, so that couldn't be it.

Or, maybe, as I suspect - I've noticed you seem to enjoy writing about these 'bishies', as you call them. So, am I simply not good-looking enough for you? Not nice enough? Then again, _Kaiba _has tons of fangirls on his back. And I dunno about what you all think, but he's not really very _nice_.

Ah, stuff this. I've whined enough. There's really no fathoming you people, I'm just glad you didn't chuck me under a train or anything like that. I was pretty worried when I heard the others, but...

Do you know, I reckon I could almost believe that you're _sane_.

...Strong emphasis on the almost bit.

Hiroto Honda, aka Tristan Taylor.

* * *

In here:

- I _was _going to go through the cliches, then realized that Honda's defining aspect seems to be that he doesn't really show much in fics, especially when his numbers are compared to characters such as Ryou or Anzu, both of whom had roughly the same role in terms of being the cheersquad (and Ryou wasn't even there for a good deal of the series, whereas Honda has been there throughout). When you think about it, there's probably a ton of reasons for this exclusion, from his general bishie rating, to his stoic nature making him harder to write, to him basically having the least plot relevance of Yugi's friend circle (Ryou has the Ring, Jounouchi's a deuteragonist, and Anzu is something of a love interest, to his exclusion from main plot during Battle City. But, still...

- Honda being in there just because he's in the friend circle, and basically existing for no plot - related reason; quite a few authors like to mention him as being a friend in attendance, then never again. This does happen with other characters, but particularly with Honda - just for the record, if you are going to mention a character, it's probably best to make sure that they have some sort of role in the plot.

- Honda is not a Jounouchi who cannot duel, and should not be referred to as such. Flipping through the fics where he's included, he's written as this an awful lot - I mean, he's certainly rowdy to some extent, especially in the early manga and Duelist Kingdom, but he's not _quite _as outgoing as Jounouchi.

- Has anyone even seen a Honda bashfic? It's amazing how little he's bashed compared to the rest of the cast

Heads up: Everyone's Favourite Womanizer, the one _true_ psychic around here (and all his brothers!), and the only guy to brandish a lethal weapon as part of his costume are all in the cards. Should be fun, eh?

* * *

Guest Review Replies:

- zquest: Ooh, I don't think I've had that question before! Anyway - I'm not planning on doing any GX characters (or any 5DS/ZEXAL characters, for that matter), simply because I don't know enough about the fandoms of the other serieses.

- Yami E: Surprised to see people still keeping up with this one after that long pause, xDD. Good to see ya!

And yeah - agreed that he's no duelist/not the most attractive character in a show full of bishies, but stiiiill. it can be quite funny/sad when you're reading a fic where people like Kaiba or Mai or even Haga show up to a big party with all the main characters... except Honda, of course.

Mahad, eh? I can kind of see why he might get left out a bit, despite being pretty unfamiliar with the intricacies of Millennium World and all - he's the Ring's priest, isn't he? At any rate, you should totally run a fic with Mahad and Honda in it, because they're such overlooked characters. (You could have a party with all the overlooked manga characters in it, too... Hanasaki, Ushio, Esper Roba maaaaybe... every single character from YGO R... xDD)


	18. New - Ryuuji Otogi, aka Duke Devlin

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Well, I suppose this is all very... _cute_. Yes, I think I'll call it cute - I'm almost flattered by the attention you bestow upon yours truly. Your stories are a little like the handmade cards the young ladies of Domino presented me with during my stay, I suppose...

...in that they're poorly made, and fall apart somewhere in the middle with the same garbled message no-one can ever quite seem to pen down. It's amazing how many of my half-friends you've managed to offend with such low-quality pieces, really; I was rather surprised to see people getting so angry and upset over what appeared to be mere fan-mail, and even more so after I received my own envelope and flicked through the contents. How on earth people could get angry about such obvious teenage fantasies is beyond me; but then again, I suppose I'm more used to fans than most.

Then, I realized that the majority of you were not exactly being _flattering_ in your accounts of me.

Should I be offended by the fact that some of you have gone ahead and written me as a sex-crazed womanizer who, when I'm not taking on Tristan in all the wrong ways, am gunning for every last girl on the block? Absolutely, and I will be making a point of that later. But... Well, the fact of the matter is, when half of you can't even get my names right (it's _Duke Devlin_, not _Duck Devil_, and _Ryuuji __Otogi_, not _ican'ttypesoi'lljustbashmykeyboard_, got it?), there's really no way I can take offense to the fanfics. It's not like I could even read half your stories, anyway - so bad was the grammar and so troubled the spelling.

(As an aside, here's a few hints:

- Words shouldn't always be capitalized - or if I'm going to speak your language, Words Shouldn't Always Be Capitalized, Because It Makes Reading Really Hard When You're Always Stopping Automatically And Losing Your Place.

- It's 'two', not '2' or 'too', it's 'you', not 'u' or 'yoo' or 'yu' or 'ewe', and I could go on for another six pages.

- Your humorless little 'author comments' are even less entertaining when they contain such gems of eloquence as 'stiup flmig da prehz', and appear smack-bang in the middle of the fic.

- On the above - if you wish to put your author comments up the top of the story, that is fine. A sixty-line script of something decidedly random happening is, by the way, not an author comment.

- There is such a thing as an Enter key. And also, such a thing as a comma, and a full stop. You just have to squint a little bit.)

Anyway, where was I - oh yes, I couldn't read half your stories. This, in hindsight, was a damn good thing - mostly because if I _had _read all of them, I think I may have gone insane. I mean, there's stories where I'm the bad guy (Can you believe it? Oh, wait, you probably wrote it) of sorts - but far from being anything _awesome_, I'm just this jealous lover - type who basically wants someone else's guy or girl off them. There's stories where I'm weak, naive, all the rest of it - in all honesty, I'm a nice guy, but not a weak guy. There's stories where I'm _the _ladies man, who appears to exist for the express purpose of giving the girls something to do whilst all the males go off and - ahem - shall we say, have a good time. There's stories where I appear to be nothing but a bizarre backing track of music, for reasons I can't even fathom.

And then, there's the angst fics - and please note that I moved to the next line there, because these are just... no. Look, I'd understand it if you gave a valid reason for my half-friends and friends all ditching me and taking all my money in the process, then found a logical reason for closing every job opportunity available so I would have no choice but to become a male prostitute. I'd be very angry about the awful plotline, sure, but there wouldn't be much I could do about it, so I'd probably get annoyed about it in this letter, and that would be that.

The thing is, quite a few of you people manage to neatly avoid any way of, you know, _actually telling a story_. It's as though all you want is to torture me for some odd reason - and my friends as well, I'll bet - yet you don't really want to waste any time doing so. Going along those lines, you then seem to decide it's all 'just because', and thus open with a lovely scene of yours truly as a drunk/prostitute/child being abused (yes, I have read that sort of thing, and it definitely wasn't pretty), spending maybe four lines describing how it all happened - and that's if the story's _half-decent. _

To add insult to injury - and this happened with practically every story I read, angsty or not - half the time you people can't even get my character right. As I said before, some of you have written me as '_a sex-crazed womanizer who, when I'm not taking on Tristan in all the wrong ways, am gunning for every last girl on the block_', and I have major problems with that. I do in fact have some level of control, I do have dignity, and though I guess you people who view me as a laughing stock are going to try and make me fall flat on my face at every opportunity - excuse me for butting in, but I'm _not _a dumb jock. I'm refined, I'll have you know - so no street fights for me, hmm?

Signed,

Ryuuji Otogi, aka Duke Devlin.

* * *

**UAB **

Quick note - Otogi/Duke's here slightly more arrogant/dignified, as he was in the manga - in particular prior to his defeat by Yugi.

Addressed here:

- There's plenty of stuff about badfics mentioned - he gives some straight-up advice, but there's some subtler things such as the implication that a badly written fanfic won't really affect your readers much in whatever way you want them to be affected, the importance of telling a story and the OOCness that can result if you don't reason stuff out, things like that. I don't usually go into this sort of stuff, but Otogi seems like the type more likely to notice and point out writing flaws than, say, Jounouchi.

- Otogi cops just about every level of OOC jump I've mentioned in this series - most fics play him as weak a la Ryou, but he's been a bully/brute in some fics as well. He's been bashed, he's been shipped with guys and girls in roughly equal numbers, he's been abused by his dad and/or by other characters, he's been a joke character, he's been a hero character, he's been nothing but a name who gets ignored, so on and so forth. The only thing I don't think has really been done to him from what I've mentioned in DFFW is maybe randomly becoming psychopathic, but now that I've mentioned it, it may well happen.

- And then, Otogi gets one more cliche on top of all that - he's often portrayed as a womanizer, despite his semi-disinterest in his fangirls and near-fixation on Shizuka/Serenity (though there's arguments as to whether or not he was just doing that to tick off Honda/Tristan). This seems to happen to him more often than other characters, for some reason.

Heads up: The 'freaky fish guy' and the 'do you want this baby' guy are still in the cards, though of course suggestions are always welcome.

And don't forget - the guest replies to the last chapter (Honda's) are now on his chapter.


End file.
